and ..... SAFE!!!

Minutes away from the grande finale of the Tri-Fecta of holidays. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I opted this year for low key and staying in. Last year I went to a sober party. It was fun, but I really did not like being out driving. So this year I went to my home groups meeting, came home and have had good visit time with my family. Even though we live together we sometimes need an extra goose to spend quality time together. Today was good.
So this is my fourth sober New Years. Yet I only have two years of sobriety. Hmmph ... all I have is today, and that is all I need.
My wish to all is a safe, happy, and sober 2008!

Just a Smile

One of the things that will always stick in my head is the day my dad commented "It is nice to see you have your smile back". I had not even known I lost it.
But I have it back today, and I use it. I don't think it is anything special, it is just me after all. However I have noticed, more so the past few months, when I smile at someone I usually get a smile back. How very very cool!!
I had a dear friend say to me last week that when he sees me smile it makes him happy. Wow. It's just a smile.
Yet if you give one, and get one back, boy what a feeling!
I wanna go with laugh lines on my face. It is a good life, with lots and lots of great people in it now, and still more out there that I have yet to meet. Could be that I will meet them with something as simple as a smile. Just a smile. Amazing.
So along with not smoking ... my new years resolution is going to be smile more more more. Not just at the babies in the store, but at the parents too. Smile at the people who help me on a day to day basis ... from the coffee person to my family. Smile.
Just smile.
Happy New Year To ALL!! :) :) :)

Snow Time to Drink

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow .....

That use to be a call to the bar. The weather people would predict snow and off I would go. Hang out at the bar and chat about if it was really going to snow, how much snow if we got it, and how late they would have to be out plowing. I did not have to worry about the plowing. At the end of my drinking the snow meant I could drink "at home". I would hit the packy and pick up some beer, and vodka. I could keep it in a snow bank when I was shoveling. Some how or another though I always ended back at the bar. I think about how trashed I would get. The hangovers. Staggering around the streets. But hey, it was snowing!! So it was all right.

Today, for a very very brief second I missed all that. All I was remembering was the laughing hanging at the bar ... And no, right now I don't miss it.

Gifts of sobriety, I knew enough to get off the damn roads. Came home, shoveled the driveway, made coffee. And now I am relaxing. I will make some Christmas cookies in a little bit, listen to some Christmas music. And I will walk up the street at 7:30 just in case they have a meeting. And I will have those laughs I was missing at the bar earlier. Tomorrow when I wake up I might be a bit sore from the shoveling, but my eyes won't feel like they are popping out of my head. Yup, gifts.

Minny Meeting

Tonight I went on a commitment with my group. (my group visited another group and we spoke from the podium) It was a great meeting. But the meeting(s) that really made my night were not really in the hall at all. They were in the car on the way to and from the commitment. Tonight the ride was about 45 minutes away. That's a hunk of time for sharing. It was a great opportunity for me to get to know a couple of my group a little better than I did 4hrs ago!! But better still ... the recovery talking we did. For a change I was the "long timer" in the car with my 2yrs. Can't say I felt any wiser for it ... but hearing them talk I can say I was grateful for were I AM in my sobriety!! The important things I walked away with tonight are that if you keep coming long enough, the cliches you hear all the time will sink in and start working. Whether you want them to or not; Everyone, regardless of how long they have been sober or coming to AA has something worth listening too; and last ... we all just have today. So very very important for me to remember that. Today. That is all I have and all I need.

Tri Fecta

One down, two to go in the holiday tri-fecta of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Interestingly, for me, I think this third year is harder so far. Thankfully I am not being hounded by thoughts of drinking, but I am "missing" the good times drinking during the holidays. I am keeping myself in check, trying very hard not to let the romance even get started. It is easy to sit back and remember all the fun that I did have this time of year with my friends at the bars. What I have to keep in mind is all the chaos that went hand in hand. Rushing like crazy to buy gifts with money that I already spent at the bar is a very key point/ fact to remember as well.
But I did in fact have many good times this time of year at the bar. It was fun to chat with people about their holiday plans, shopping, kids, grandkids. See new faces taking a break from the holidays, seeing old faces back in town for the holidays.
So I miss it a bit. And just a bit more this year than the past two. Stopping and thinking about it, it may be because of all the changes in the past couple of years. Couple that with the recent death of my mother -in-law, and of my Aunt last winter and I suppose it really is not much of a reach to see why I am feeling a little blue and wistful for what use to be.
I think it is ok to miss it. As long as I know that I absolutely can't go back to it. I have to keep it up front that at the end, there really was no fun in it, and even though I have not had a drink in two years ... my disease does not care. It is just waiting to bring me right back to the pitts of hell, and down yet another level if it can.
I also have to work on keeping my thoughts positive. Many many of the changes in the past two years have been very positive, and as I continue this path of sobriety, many more changes await me. And again, most of them will be positive.
One down, two to go ... but all taken one day at a time.

Two Years, and TODAY!!

Well, I did it. Two years without a drink. I did not think I would make it a week. But by doing what was suggested in the program of AA, I have put a few 24 hours behind me. One day at a time. That continues to be my mantra. In good times and bad, the most important thing for me to remember is it is just for today. All I have to deal with is today. Who knows what tomorow is going to bring? I'm good .. but I am not that good. Sober does not bring ESP!! Wish it did, then I could play the numbers and win!
So what has been the most important lesson of the past two years? A very tough question. You would think, considering I am the one who just asked it I might have an answer! I have learned so much in the past two years. About living, about life, about myself, and I am still learning. Each time something new comes along I think it might be the most important thing I have learned, but then something else comes along. And well, THAT becomes the most important thing I have learned. Brings it back to being in the day. The lesson I learn today, that is the most important. Today remains the most important day in my sobriety!!

No Matter What ...

Don't pick up that first drink.

This past weekend my mother-in-law passed away. It was not really expected at all. I brought my daughter in to see her, and we talked with the Dr. who said she will walk out of here. The next afternoon hospice was called in. She died less that 48hrs after that.

This has been the biggest and worse thing I have gone through in my almost 2yrs of being sober. My blog .. so this is about me for right now.

My knee jerk reaction to all of it has been just what it is suppose to be. To drink. To get away from having to feel. Drinking is how I have dealt with just about everything in my life for the past 15 years or more. Happy, sad, it's a Tuesday. Drink. Don't feel, don't hurt. Drink.

My disease has been lying in a dormant state for almost two years. It jumped up and clapped its hands, drooled, did a little happy dance .... thought it was going to get to play. It was pretty freaking scary how fast that devil was right on top of me. Drink.

NO!!! I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. The devil gave me a drop kick in the gut, but he did not win. I have spent the past two years laying a strong foundation in sobriety. I had moves of my own to counter the devil.

I asked God to help me stay away from a drink. I went to meetings. I called my sponsor. I made sure I had a list of numbers at the ready in case the devil started making sense. I asked God to let me do His will. It is not God's will that I drink. Thank You God.

I am still a little shaky at just how fast the complete desire for a drink came back. Ok ... a drunk more than a drink. I am not beating myself up over it though. Drinking is how I use to deal, or not deal, with everything for so many years. This is the first real real big thing in my life during my sobriety. Knee jerk. When I get through the other side of all this, the next time something major hits ... I have started a new way to deal with things. May be my first thought will always be of a drink. I don't know. But I doubt it. My sponsors hubby said that I am getting new muscles. I think he is right.

I am going to miss my mother-in-law in a very big way. She was a women who enjoyed life, and the people in her life. I had lots of respect for her. She did not come up easy in this world, but you did not hear her bitch. She took pride in herself and her accomplishments, but not boastful. She loved with her complete heart. Good solid people. I hope someday I am a little bit like her.

12 StepS

Last night was my Step Meeting. I have been going to this meeting since my first faltering attempt at staying sober. Much of what I read is still beyond my ken, but I always get something out of going.
Last night was Step 7. Humbly ask Him to remove all faults. (I don't have my book in front of me to write it word for word)
The first time I went through this step I had a huge resentment to it. First of all ... it brought up the GOD thing again. Yup, this AA thing is a cult. They say no God, but here yah go again. It was not so much I had an issue with GOD ... but I have a problem with other people telling me I had to believe in THEIR GOD. Nope, no thank you, not interested. Thankfully I have progressed enough in AA to know that I just have to worry about MY God. MY Higher Power however I see fit to have Him in MY life. And He fits very well indeed.
The other thing I did not like about this step was the words HUMBLE and HUMILITY. I thought for sure .. again it is a cult ... that this was AA's way of breaking you down so they could take over your mind and send you to the airport to sell flowers or something. Humble and humility had no place in my life. That was for losers. I like words like strength, Independence, courage ...
What I have come to find, for me, is that humble and humility lead to those other words. AA is not saying to belittle yourself as I originally thought. Once you admit you have a fault, then you can work on it. That is strength. When you ask for help with it, that is courage. And the closer I build a connection between myself and my God ... I am actually more independent. I become free off some of the chains that have held me back. I grow.
Last night when we read the step I had thoughts pinging all over the place. But what I walked away with last night is how Humility leads to having the Grace of God in my life. I also see it around me, so when I doubt it in me ... God lets me know that it is still there for me. I just have to ask.

One Day At A Time

I am fast approaching two years of sobriety. And the only way it is going to happen is if I continue to keep it in the day. I have gotten to the point that yes, I can plan things, but I still have to stay away from projecting.

With the seasons switiching from summer to fall my thoughts have been trying to zoom into the future. My neices wedding next year (open bar), my daughters college graduation (4yrs away), and even the grandchildren I hope to have some day! I hope that they never know me to drink. But even closer are the holidays and the gatherings that will take place. I am fairly certain that if I keep doing what I am doing then I won't drink. What I have to do is stop worrying about these events in the future, I will deal with them WHEN THEY HAPPEN. And just worry about staying sober today.

Today is really all I have. And no, I don't think I will be drinking today.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

I think it was my first or second AA meeting that I saw MB at. She was the sister of a guy who drank at one of "my" bars. Never would have thought her to be in AA. I just thought she stopped coming to that bar because she was a bit of a snob. Not that I had really thought about it. MB was not a part of my drinking world, so therefore not worthy of thought right?

So I was pretty surprised to see her there. She had been "in" the program for about 6mnths at that point. As I first came around I would see her here and there. God putting the right people in my life for His reasons. MB was having a hard time staying sober. It was very hard for me, being new, to see this. It was not long before I began my own slide back into drinking. Not because of MB ... all my own doing. I let her struggle be a "reason" that AA did not work, and would not work for me. My disease LOVES thoughts like that.

Many was the night one would call the other drunk. "Why can't I stay sober!! Why won't the promises come true in my life!! How do those people do it!! I want to be happy like them" Of course neither of us had anything resembling answers. How could we?

We did make and stick to one promise. We did not ever drink together. And God was it tough at times. The drinker was always looking to bring the other one down to the pits of hell for company. And when you have a foot in the door to begin with ..

God love R and S and M and all the people who helped us out during our struggle to get all the way IN AA. They were our life preservers in the sea of booze we were drowning in. A few of our own Eskimos.

Yesterday I made MB a pineapple upside down cake for her two years of sobriety!! YAY MB!! I am PROUD OF YOU and SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! May you always have a month more than me :)

MB is for me a real gift of sobriety. I have a forever friend in the woman. We have gone through and made it two years out of the worst part of our life. Together, drawing on each others strength. Being sober is work. Not as much work as being drunk, but it is still work. Having a friend like MB to stand with makes it possible!

We could not stay sober because we kept picking up that first drink.

Today, the promises are coming true for us, we have some of that happy "those" other people have. We are, one day at a time, getting better.

Two YEARS!! If we can do it ....

Now For Why ...

Before my drinking took off my favorite thing to do was read. Stories ..romance, mysteries, crime, horror. Little to no brain feed, but enjoyable to me read. Somewhere along the line I was introduced to Robert Fulghum. I loved him. His stories and life observations both made me laugh and made me think.

The previous post that references his elephant ride always stuck with me. When I began my trip down sobriety lane it came to mind again. Elephants and Drunks ...kind of like peanut butter and jelly ..

The symbolism of drunks & elephants may be what brought it to mind, but I needed it to stay for other reasons.

My climb into alcoholism was so very similar to Fulghums description of climbing onto the elephant. A shaky ladder leading to a shaky platform. I don't believe the road to addiction is ever set on firm ground. Be it a defect of character or defect of life that led us to "one more, one more, one more" I can't say for sure, but I have yet to meet a person who's life when they crossed the line was on solid footing. And I know for me that my addiction and its progression was loaded with anxiety and fear. Even if I was unable to admit it at the time. Or even see it for my own sake.

Once of the elephants back, the ride of addiction. Again, filled with fear and anxiety. Never knowing if the platform is going to let loose and you will be trampled by the thousand pound elephant that is your addiction. If you have traveled my road, then you know what I am talking about. Though it was not without its thrill. Fulghum does not allude to the thrill in this passage, but I can picture it. Way high up on top of an elephant. Top of the WORLD! "Look at ME, Look at ME.... Look Mom... NO HANDS" The cheap thrill when the elephant lurches and the platform moves .. yet you are still on.. How many times did I feel like that when I was drinking? Or managed a near miss for some alcoholic misadventure?

Time for the dismount. The very profound part of the passage. The part that can assist anyone, any day. And helps this alcoholic on a daily basis.

High atop the elephants back, a shaky ladder leaning against the elephant. How do I get down? It is a LONG way down!! I am afraid. What if the ladder breaks? What if I slip! What if the elephant MOVES while I am climbing down!! Better maybe to stay right were I am.

NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.

Simplistic? Maybe. Addicts like me like to make things as hard as possible. The more road blocks I throw up the happier my disease is. The closer I am to picking up another drink. What I am finding is the simpler I keep my recovery, the easier it is. Ask for help, go to meetings, compose my mind. It really is much easier to get down than it was to get up.

Looking Down From The Elephant

Thank you Mr.Fulghum for allowing me to share a passage that has helped me so much in my sobriety!!

This passage is h0w my blog got its name. The why is for another blog:

Robert Fulghum “Maybe (Maybe Not)

Story referring to a trip Mr. Fulghum took to Thailand in 1984 with his wife.

He writes:

An acquaintance arranged for us to visit a forest reserve north of Chiang Mai where elephants are still used for all the heavy work of logging. We were to view the operation from elephant back. A shaky ladder was tilted against the side of an elephant. We cautiously climbed up and onto an equally shaky wooden platform strapped to the elephants back. The anxiety of getting on was matched by the anxiety of riding. We were a long way off the ground, and it felt as if we would be catapulted in that direction at any moment by the great lurching march of the beast.
When the ladder was raised again for us to get off, I noticed a small sign attached to the top step.

NOTICE: INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIMOUNTING FROM ELEPHANT.
FIRST, COMPOSE YOUR MIND.
MUCH EASIER TO GET DOWN THAN UP.

In the ensuing years, much of that trip around the world has faded from conscious memory. But indelibly written in the operating instructions for my life is that admonition from the top rung of that ladder in Thailand. The instructions continued concerning holding on with both hands and not poking the elephant. But it was that first line that spoke to me.
Even now, when I am about to make a move of consequence, small or large, a warning light flashes from the control panel in my head: “This is an elephant dismount.” And sometimes, sometimes, I actually manage to compose my mind.

They Always Clap ....

So last Sat night my AA group had a commitment. (speaking engagement) I had been out to dinner with my family up the road from the meeting. I had no excuse not to go. Although I DID try and show up a little late .... I did not want to be chairperson. Well ... I was the ONLY one who showed up from my group!! I hate when that happens!! Even when it is an incoming group. I really don't like when the person feels duty bound to talk the entire meeting if they are the only ones to show. Makes for a LONG meeting .. in my opinion. I like short and sweet. I really don't need to hear about every single drink you ever had. I try and remind myself that yes, I did ask for help that morning .. and THIS is who God sent!! :) Doesn't always work ..lol

So when I was the only one to show .. and I had to chair ... I told them from the git go that they would have to help me out. I would NOT be speaking for the entire meeting. My story is boring, and I would get bored .. then babble and be done! lol One of my group members did end up showing up while I was talking, so I called him and told him to wrap it up!! He did pretty good. Brought us up to 5 minutes before the break. I asked if anyone would like to share for the last 5 minutes. Nope, no takers. Soooo... I asked if they wanted to hear a joke? lol And they did .. so I told it ... and yup, they clapped.

Such an ego boost!

Intervention....t.v.......

Intervention ... I think it is on Bravo. I have not watched it all the way through ..
I watched it tonight a little more than I have in the past. And I don't see how anyone could watch it for "amusement", or "entertainment". Even before I got sober it would not have appealed to me.
Having said that ... What a powerful show it is. If you are in recovery, or if you have someone in your life that should be. Or if you are thinking YOU should be.
I saw pretty clearly tonight some of my bad behaviors. I saw how I treated my family. I saw how they did not know what they were suppose to be doing.
One sister would go out with the girl. She did not want her active sister to feel "left out". How often had my sibling included me in things that they maybe really did not want to, but did not want to hurt me further. More than once or twice ... Gets me thinking.
For now I will finish with how brave the family is to put on an intervention, and even more so on t.v.. Active drunks are not very nice.

That God Thing

The God "thing" in AA. I have already stated I have a God of MY understanding, and He and I do just fine together thank you very much. He helps me stay sober, because I can't do it by myself and He loves me just that much.
I have a few people that go to AA but have a very hard time with the God thing. They can't get past it. The literature in AA has lots of references to God. Step 2 is all about believing in a Higher Power ... called God. And when I first came into AA I DID NOT want to hear about GOD!!! When I first started going through the steps and came to step 2 I felt I had been TRICKED!!! AA IS a CULT! It IS ALL about GOD .. just READ IT!!! Hmmm ... but then again... I started listening too. It is really so much more.
They did good, the founding fathers and mothers of AA. A Higher Power. A Power Greater Than YOU. Even at my worst in life I knew that there were power(s) greater than myself. Wind? Rain? Earth,Sun .. just a few basics. All more powerful than I could ever be. When I got back into AA, and opened my heart a little bit to the possibilty of not only a power greater than myself, but one that could, and would, help me become the sober person I wanted to be. I had to ..and this is what I had to do .. name Him. And I went with God. That is what I know. I could have called this Higher Power Fred .. and that would be fine. As long as I BELIEVED that this Power could help me. As long as I trusted those who came before me in AA that if I then turned my will over to this Higher Power every morning, asked to do His will instead of mine ... I would get the gift of sobriety for that day.
And from that ... little by slow ... I also get the gift of Grace and Peace in my life. If there is no Higher Power working in my life ... then how can this be working? I already tried it on my own. I could not stay sober on my own. I DID NOT stay sober on my own. I AM sober today.
But for the Grace of a Higher Power I call GOD!

Desire To Stop Drinking...

The only requirement for AA. A desire to stop drinking. Talking with one of my AA friends a few weeks ago he made the comment that the last thing he wanted to do was stop drinking. He wanted the rest of the crap to stop. That is what his desire was.
I have thought about that comment a lot since then. 20 months into sobriety, and honestly I still don't have a desire to stop drinking. If I could drink in safety and not have all the bad stuff come back, could continue to grow in spirituality.... well I would be at the bar. More proof I am an alcoholic. It bothers me to be honest. The lure of the booze. I work very hard to stay sober, I work very hard to grow, I appreciate the gifts that sobriety has given me more than words can express. Yet the thought of being able to drink is still there. I KNOW I can NOT drink in safety. I Know that .. but the thought ... Cunning.
Smoking, I have a very real desire to stop smoking. I want the health benefits, to stop stinking, and the extra cash. I never felt this way about drinking. I do know different now about the lies I told myself regarding drinking, and am enjoying the obvious and not so obvious benefits. But I would not believe in these benefits when I was drinking. Whats more, I would not have thought myself worthy of them, or in need of them. Baffling and Cunning.
It is a powerful enemy that I fight ... one day at a time... today I win again. And someday I will be able to say I have a desire to stop drinking, and my life is second to none. I am not there yet. YET ... one of those yets I want in my life. It will happen, God's time. One day at a time.

Eskimo's

I figured I should share what an Eskimo is ...

Two men were sitting in an Alaskan bar chatting. One was a spiritual man, the other an atheist. The Atheist said to the spiritual man .. " I gave your God a chance once, and it did not work"
The spiritual man asked " In what manner did you give God a chance?"
"Well," said the atheist " A few months back I kind of lost my way outside of the village. Before I knew it I was stuck in a horrible blizzard. I was a goner for sure. So I prayed to your God for help"
"Wow" said the spiritual man " He must have answered your prayers! You are here, hale and hearty!"
"Nah" said the atheist " He didn't do nothing. Some Eskimo showed up and brought me back home!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My you know your own Eskimos when they find you!

Better and Better

Did I say July was going to slow down? Did I lie or what?
I heard a man the other night, he said that his life may not be second to none, but it was better and better, gooder and gooder. That is true for me as well.
I still have to many issues floating around to be at that second to none stage of the game, however life is still a 100% better than it would be if I was drinking or drugging. I know that with all my heart.
I have been getting back to meetings everyday this past month. I slacked off for a little while and was doing more of the online meetings. And though I am very grateful to have the online option, I get more out of the f2f meetings. Not that they are without stress! One of the facts that I had to accept early on is that regardless of the lofty purpose of AA, and the perfect ideals set before us in AA ... it is still a group of people above all else. And some of them are great, and some not so great.
One of my Eskimos put it in perspective for me the other day. I am hoping that I can hold on to these wise words. "Did you ask a power greater than yourself for help today in staying away from a drink or a drug" Yes " Ok then, that bozo up at the podium is who was sent!" Allrighty then ....
I will try to remember that. Not saying it will be easy, there are countless times when someone is up there and the msg is more preachy than sharing. And that will drive me nuts. But I will try to listen, and if I don't like what I hear, then I wil try to pray for the person and those in the room that they are not pushed away from AA.
I don't think I will ever be "old school" AA. Or maybe I am too old school! One of the many many gifts of AA, in my opinion, is that we are all unique just like everyone else!! Everyone can work their own program in a way that works for them. My program is not for you to judge any more than I should judge yours. Mine works for me, let yours work for you. And that IS how it seems to work. Thank God!
For me, the really important thing is to keep on keeping it in the today. I just have to make it through the right now of the day. Sometimes the right now will last longer than others, but as long as I don't pick up a drink. Just ONE drink .. for ONE minute .. then I can make it through. And if I really want to be smart about it, when I am having a hard time I will let someone know. Sometimes it might just be a mood, come and go just like that. Sometimes there might be a reason ... H.A.L.T (hungry, angry,lonely,tired) Those times I really need to share so I can work through it, and decrease the chance of it happening again.

It has been a very very busy month. My daughter graduated from high school. Amazing. I do not have the words for just how proud of her I am. The extra zing for me is that I quit a few months before I should have graduated. I was never able to do any of those high school things like dances, proms, graduate. At that point in my life it was not because of my drinking. I really did not drink all that much in school. It was those inside feelings that kept me looking on the outside. So again, I am so thrilled that was not something that I passed on to her. And she certainly had some hurdles growing up. Her mother was a drunk. Can't say I was to good about milk and cookies and how was your day chats. But I wasn't hurting anyone ... yah right. So she just amazes me. She is a great kid and I love and respect her very much. And little by slow I am getting her respect back.

July I hope will be a little less crazy and I will be a little better about writing. It is good for me to write.

Gifts

Gifts of sobriety are numerous and wonderful. Tonight was one of those gifts. The town I live in has a celebration every year. And even when I was a little kid I always looked forward to it. As I got older, it became another reason to drink. Last year I wondered how it would be sober. I still loved it. This year, I had family visiting .. My sister, her daughter, and my great niece and nephew. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to play with those babies and know that I was not a danger to them, or that I would stink out my sister with my beer breath. And the icing on the cake for me, was holding my 11 month old nephew in the glider as we watched the fireworks light up the sky. Amazing.
I have my higher power to thank for my sobriety, and AA to thank for teaching me, so that when these gifts show up in my life, I am not just there for it, but aware of it.

What Lengths III

Now I sit, more than a few 24 hours later, still at Mom and Dads. I am still keeping my recovery number 1 in my life. I go to a meeting 6 out of 7 days a week most of the time and also onnline meetings. I no longer hang out in bars or with people who drink heavy. I start my day thanking God and request His help throughout the day as needed. I also give Him thanks throughout the day for the little things, like pretty flowers, a smiling baby, those simple yet amazing things He puts in my path to continueally show me what a wonderful life I DO have.
And I work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I go to a step meeting once a week and hear how others have done it before me, and how they are doing it today. And I learn.

Jumping back to still being at Mom and Dads. That is still the hardest thing I am doing. They have been positively wonderful and supportive. They are also pretty good about leaving me to do my growing on my own terms. The hard part about being here is I am not with my daughter. My husband decided he did not love me anymore due to my alcoholic behaviors. He did not want me back. Does not want me back. I did not fight him or force it because of the fear of picking up a drink. And that, I believe, was my Higher Power looking out for me and guiding me. But I miss my daughter. She is 17 and graduating high school this weekend. She is a wonderful person. And the fact of the matter is, I spend as much if not more time with her now than if I was at home with her. But I miss being at home with her on a daily basis. That is still a huge hole in the pit of my recovery. But, I don't have to drink over it. I can be sad, that's OK. What I can't do is jump up on the pity pot. And knowing that, well that is a sign of my recovery.

What lengths will I go to stay sober today? Whatever it takes, for however long it takes. Keeping in mind, all I really have to do it for is today.

What Lenghts II

I did not want to be drunk anymore, but I could not stay sober. A very sad, and scary place to be. I knew from the meetings I had gone to that people do in fact stay sober with the help of AA. The ones I saw sober and happy, those were the ones I wanted to be like. So to what lengths was a willing to go this time?
First, I got real serious about my recovery. I had heard that I had to put that first. So, that was my game plan. Put my recovery first for a while. I was not ready in the beginning to even think about recovery being a life long process. I grabbed hold of the "one day at a time", and clung. The other very huge thing was change. I knew I had no hope of staying sober if I did not make some major changes.
I was at the point in my drinking that my husband and daughter were so disgusted with me that when I came home drunk they would ask if I had been drinking, I would say yes and go pass out. The next day we treated it like had not happened. The pink elephant in the middle of the living room. We all know it is there, but if we don't talk about it we can pretend it does not exist. I knew I needed to be held accountable. Sooo... I went to Mom and Dad. My plan was to stay with them a couple of weeks and get a good foundation in sobriety. I asked them to be my sober house. No excuses for not going to meetings. No driving at night. Keep track of were I am. .... I put them in charge of my life in the way I had been rebelling against since I was a teenager and knew everything!
And I think it just might have saved my life.

To What Lengths..

To what lengths am I willing to go to stay sober?
The first time around, thinking I was giving it my all, I went to an Intensive Outpatient Program that the detox I had gone to offered. I learned so much about addiction. Not just alcohol, but drugs and mental obsessions. Many many people in the halls of AA have dual addictions. Drug/booze would have to be the number one .. but you also see gambling, sex, food, shopping addictions. Not surprising when you think about it. The most important thing I learned though is that I have a disease called alcoholism. Cunning, baffling, evil. This disease wants me dead. And has no problem maiming or killing others as it takes me down. That rant is for another post though.
So I did the IOP and I did learn a lot more than I thought I did. They told me at the IOP that I should go to AA, Join a Group, Get a Sponsor, Get Active. Ok, I did that. And I sat in those seats and did not believe most of what I heard. So..... I stopped that. And I picked up my first drink just shy of 3mnths sober. And yah know what? Nothing happened. Hey, I was CURED .. say AMEN Brother!! See, I knew I was not like THEM....
The thing is though, if you are one of THEM .. and any of what you heard or learned stuck in the gooey stuff up top .... it does affect your drinking. At least it did mine. It really never was that far away from my thoughts that I was an alcoholic.
Skipping forward, there came another day were I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt I was a alcoholic. I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I still had a job, still had a husband and daughter, family that loved me. But I had no .. ME. I admitted to myself that I had been lost for such a very long time, and I wanted to be happy. I did not want to be a drunk anymore.

Onnline AA

I still go to meetings, face to face, pretty much everyday. A friend once commented that it made no sense to stay home and watch a show about Survivors when he could come to a meeting and be with the real deal. I thought then, and now, that it was a very valid point. So I go to a meeting every weeknight and Sunday mornings.
But once in a while .. I just don't feel like going. But I still think it is important to be in the fellowship of AA everyday if I can. In comes AA online. www.aaonline.net to be exact. They have a topic meeting several times a day. Then open chat the rest of the time if you have something on your mind. As with all the online communities I have got involved with over the years, 90% of them are great people. A privilege to get to listen to.
The part that has amazed me, with so many AA meetings around me, are the people who are in the boonies and may have to travel an hour or more to get to the closest meeting to them. They do it. They might only get one face to face meeting a week, but it is that important to them that the do it. I have three meetings that I go to that are less than 5 minute walking. So it is not something I think all that much about. Seeing these people online has been great to know what lengths people really do go to to stay sober.

Missing Friendship

I consider myself very fortunate. I have a wonderful and supportive family, some great friends outside of AA, an amazing bunch of women that I e-mail with (we started as a book club and are so much more now!) and now I have a group of sober friends as well.

When I was drinking I would tell myself I did not need or want any new friends. What I did not know was that the thought of a new friend, and the possibility of time a way from my drinking was what I was avoiding. Oh I had plenty of bar friends. I think they are still waiting for me to come back from the bathroom. But I did not open myself up to having any friends that did not drink the way I did. And there is no way I would have believed you had you told me this when I was active.

I look back at that and wonder what did I miss? I don't dwell on it, but I do wonder about it. People are, and have always been a big part of my life. I am very social. For the longest time I have shut myself away from getting to really know anyone new.

I have to watch myself with my AA people. There are many whom I care about a great deal, but have found myself holding back crossing the line into a real friendship. The past 18 months my main objective has been me. And I think that has been good .. I am still sober! However, AA is teaching me to be well, and be a productive member of society. The goal is not to live out my years in basements listening to a bunch of drunks. The goal is to LIVE! And that includes having real friends. It is a little scary after so many years of bar friends. In the back of my head were the bad stuff hangs out are whispers of what will I do if my new friend goes out. How will I deal with that? What I am coming to realize though is that there are risks in all relationships, so it is pretty stupid to hold back on AA people on the chance that they may go out and drink. If I keep that attitude up, I will be looking back someday and wondering again, What did I miss?

I made it to the halls of AA. And a day at a time here I stay. I have not done it all the way it has been suggested, I just got a sponsor about a month ago. At first I think part of me was resisting the AA thing just because. I knew AA worked .. I had met some amazing people who had been in AA for years. But I was still thinking I could do it on my own. I would just go to AA for back up :) I think also I still had the concern that AA was a cult. All the GOD stuff... ewww, must be a cult. Well, if you are new to AA .. it is not a cult. Higher Power ... believe that I believe if you don't have one. The openness of how your Higher Power can be whatever works for you is really one of the amazing things about the AA program. I have met but a few out of thousands that insist on the HP being GOD. It really allows each person to make there own program. That really is a pretty cool thing. Now my Higher Power is the God of MY understanding. I was brought up Catholic, and I do get comfort from going to church now and then, but my spirituality is something I treasure now. My God is really great ... loves me He does. Always has. And now He is happy that I have found my way back to Him. A day at a time.

Who knew? I sure as heck didn't. My name is Kris, and I am a alcoholic. This will be my third attempt at blogging my recovery. Do not expect a fourth or fifth step here, would not be all that interesting anyways :) What I hope to do is talk about my recovery on a daily basis, same way I deal with it.
Anything I might say on this blog about AA would be my interpretation unless I quote and give credit to AA literature.

I will now briefly claim my seat.

I have plenty of YET's and nothing major to report in the way of jackpots. No DUI's, pc's, wrecked cars, jail, and I never lived on the street. I did not drink when I was a kid, my parents are not drunks or abusive. But I am still a drunk. Like I said, who knew?

I was 21 when I started drinking on anything that could be considered a regular basis. I have not a clue as to when I started crossing the line. I do know now that I never once drank for anything but the buzz. I felt cheated if I went someplace and could not drink and get a high off it.

At first it was a little by slow progression. From drinking in the weekend warrior style, to during the week, to every day. My husband and daughter wanted me to stop drinking, I would "control" the drinking for a bit to get them off my case. The last 5 years of my drinking found me in bars, and the last year I upgraded from beer to more and more vodka and shots. The joke was I had had enough to drink when I started ordering the Absolute and Vodka drinks .....

The first time anyone told me I was a alcoholic was when I went to see a doctor about a surgery. She told me not to stop stop drinking because I was in danger of having seizures. I of course did not believe her. But I did listen to her, and I thought about it. About two months later I was pulling a typical drunk move of getting cocked two days before the new year so I could have a day to recover and be ready to really party on New Years Eve. Leading up to that I had given lots of thought to what the Dr had told me. (I did say briefly, so going to jump ahead for now).

That night something happened to me. I realized that I could not stop drinking. Not on my own, not without help. I honestly did not know HOW to stop, or even what I should do. That night when my husband tracked me down in a bar ... I told him I needed help, and needed it now, tonight. Because tomorrow I would not have a problem.

That night, December 27, 2004 was the beginning of my journey into sobriety. I wish I could say that I have been sober all that time, but I was not done living my story. Relapse is not a requirement of sobriety, however it does happen far to often. And it is part of my story. I had what I hope was my last drink November 3, 2005.

When I got back on the wagon I went to were people go to get, and stay sober. I went to the halls of AA. And one day at a time I have stayed sober. It has been an incredible journey. Many ups, many downs, but I am working of having the tools to deal with both .... WITHOUT picking up a drink.

And that is enough for this post I think. Unless I want to stay up all night!