Two Down ~

Two down and one to go!! Much easier this year than last, and easier still than the first. New Years will actually be my fifth New Years spent sober. I spent New Years 04/05 in detox. I don't know if that can REALLY count as sober though. I was not drinking, but I was on whatever they gave me to detox on.

It was the start of my journey into recovery though. New Years was on a Friday, and I went into detox on a Thursday after getting completely hammered on Wednesday. Hit every bar in town, some of them twice. I had no idea that I would end up in a detox that night. I had even less of a clue that the road I am on now would be filled with both so many joys and pains. To be honest, had I known I don't think I would have had the courage to step foot onto it. The more I think about it, there is no way I would have done it. I had spent far to many years using the booze as my way to deal with things. I would have looked at all that I have had to do to get were I am and gone running to the bar. You would have needed a crow bar to pry me off my bar stool.

All that being said, I am SO glad that I am here and not there. Despite all the growing pains to get here, my life is filled with MUCH joy!! Just the fact that I got up this morning and had no hang over or regrets from the day before. What a gift, what a joy. Even the ability to appreciate that it is a gift, is a gift!! lol To many gifts to count on a daily basis, that is the core of my sobriety now.

The growth I have gone through as a person is pretty neat too. And again, the ability to SEE it now. So even though I would have gone running if I knew what I was in for, I am so glad that is not how it worked out. I like being this new person who is working on a daily basis to be better. There will always be room for improvement. Always room to grow just a little bit more. And always room in my heart for more more more of the love I am finding in the world I live in. How great is that? It is freaking awesome!!! That's how great!!

Happy New Year!!

New Look ...

It was time for a new look. I am a pretty basic blogger, I use what they give me ..lol Still, I like it. Change is good. Even for a alkie.
Tonight brings lots of different thoughts on change. How MUCH has changed in the past four years. I was at a party tonight that sober friends have been hosting for the past four years. Of the original guest list, myself and one other person continue to be there. Most of the others are still in AA (Thank God) and sober, but the circle of friends have changed from that first rough year of sobriety. The tone of the party has changed as well from last year to this. Most of the people there tonight are in a "private" AA group that meets once a month. We do some heavy sharing at the meeting. Tonight nothing was heavy, we were all relaxed and enjoyed and laughed and laughed. Even when nothing was funny .... the ladies just wanted to be as loud as the guys!!
Some changes in life are good, some bad, and some like the look of this blog have no impact whatsoever other than to amuse me :)

AWOL

Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my AWOL? I really do enjoy it, for several reasons. The most important, it is helping me to stay sober. A pretty good reason to keep doing it I think.

I have to be honest about this. The snippets of contriversy over if a AWOL counts, bugs me!!

I had been going to a step meeting for 2 1/2 years faithfully. A 12 & 12, but really just a 12, we never did the traditions. So I heard that "my" step meeting did not really count. But it was helping me stay sober. So I kept going. And each week I got something out of the meeting. Each week I grew a little bit more as a person. A sober person. So because it was not an AA sanctioned meeting, does that make me any less sober?

The same thing goes for the AWOL. My understanding of those against it, the reason is we are not "really" "working" the steps. Well I just don't get that at all. I know for a fact that I AM working the steps to the best of my ability and knowledge at this stage of my sobriety. I am gaining insight into myself and my relationship with God. And ... I am staying sober. Am I less sober if I don't do the steps "just so"??

And people wonder why earth people think AA is a cult!! lol

Thank God the people who are a part of my daily AA don't hold these views. I am not sure I would have stayed with AA if my only option was to get sober just one way. I have instead been given the gift of a amazing fellowship in the form of the meetings I go to and all their various flavors. Because of, and in spite of, the old school/new school/tough love/soft love etc differences I am able to go to meetings that suit me best. And as I grow as a sober person, so do my needs and expectations of and for myself. And because I have such a great fellowship to teach me, learn from ..more growth.

Everybody learns differently. I am very grateful that the halls of AA were able to spawn some options that may not have made the approved list, but were able to get through to me. I am not talking about a easier softer way, those cards are not ones I try to play. I am talking about using different words or methods that make more sense to me. Down the line would I like to do a Big Book Step Study? Yes, and I am sure I will. When I am ready. When I am able to sort out the words without being overwhelmed. When God says I am ready for that step in my life. Right now, going the the 12 step meeting, and now the AWOL, I am getting a good foundation in AA. I am learning the ABC's of the Big Book. And I feel good. I feel good. Wow. Very cool :)

Oh yah, I think I read somewere too that the ONLY requirment for AA is a desire to stop drinking.............

The Shack

www.theshackbook.com

God picked out a book for me. Really!! God doing His God thing. I had been having a God day. For whatever reason, God, praying, meditation, had all been on my mind off and on. I have my "list" of people I pray for and was thinking that there are some people who are close to me that I don't really pray enough for. They get the random thought prayers. I always feel good after I pray, I feel good about praying, and I should pray more. That was the conclusion I came to. I should also work on being more open to God in my life. And I should at least try the meditation cd I bought ... lol

Those were the thoughts I was having the day God picked out the book. I had gone to Borders in search of a couple of Christmas Gifts. I was in shopping mode, and had no thoughts good or bad of God floating around in my head. Buy Buy Buy .... that's were the brain mush was at. I was searching through Military History area for a book I did not know the name of, but was hoping if I saw it I would remember the dust cover. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a display of books. Kind of it a odd spot, not in the main area of displays. Almost but not really tucked away. Hmm.. I picked it up and read the back. It was a God book. ( In the history section??)

Right away I thought, God picked this out for me. That is not normal thinking for me. But the thought was there, and I figured I had to get it. It's not like I buy this type of book, or go looking for it ....but there you go. God picked it out for me. Thank You!!

The super short description of this book, is that a man suffers one of the most horrendous losses a person can, the death, murder, of his 6yr old daughter. He is not liking God to much. A few years pass and the man receives a invite back to the place of this horrible event ........ from God? Just as bizzar, he goes. He spends the weekend with God and comes back a changed man.

That is the very short version. The time spent with God ~ well it is hard to give words to describe it all. If you are uber religious you will most likely take offence. For me, the presentation of God and His love for us, reflected many of my own personal beliefs. Some of the thoughts have caused me to re-think other thoughts. I laughed out loud, and I was sad. The sign of a well written book for me too!

What really amazed me though is how much of the book reminded me of AA. Simplified, it showed how and why AA works so well. And no, this was not a AA book. Not a single mention of AA. The author I am willing to bet, has no clue about AA. But there yah go. God's perfect love can be found in AA. So many of the philosophies that are found in AA were in this book. How many times have you heard people say they wish that non-AA's could "get" what we have? What a great world we would live in if everyone did the 12 steps? That was this book!! lol

Again, it is hard to put into words all that I got out of this book. I have passed it on to my mom to read, but what I can't wait for is to have another AA read this book. I want to know if it is just me that saw all the parallels.

AA or not AA, it was still a great book. A book to make you go hmmmmm.... And if you let it, could open the door to a loving God of your own understanding. Very cool!!

Trusting In God ~

Today is one of those days were I know in order to feel better, what I have to do is turn the day over, turn my life and my will, over to God. But I am having a hard time doing it at the moment. I found out today that I am going to have to have a medical procedure that will knock me out for a few weeks and cost a chunk of change. I don't know which it is that has me more bummed out. I honestly can't picture myself "staying still" for six weeks. I might be able to do it for a week, but then once I start feeling better ........ I get itchy just thinking about staying home for that long!! Then I think about the cost, and hey I can't work for six weeks ........ ahhh. I am wallowing, is that the right word?? in self pity at the moment.
On the plus side, I know this little pity party won't last. Same as the thought of staying low for a extended amount of time is impossible for me to wrap my little pea brain around, so is letting myself be brought down and stay down.
Today was the day of the bad news. So I am sad and stressed about the "me" part of it. But I do have a positive too. I was able to (I hope) help someone today with some AA questions for their friend.
So, goods & bads. Life on lifes terms. And tomorrow I will spend a few more minutes asking the God of MY understanding to help me through the day, and to help me do His will instead of mine. And I know for a fact that tomorrow will be a better day!!

Happy New Year!!!

Three years of being sober. Amazing. When I started on this road, I was not sure if I was not in fact one of those who would be incapable of being completely honest, and therefore was doomed to drink again. I kind of looked at that line as my "out" if I drank again. I think that is why I hold so tight onto the fact that this is a disease and not a moral issue. If I based my recovery on my moral standing at the time, then I would certainly have failed.

When I made my way back into the halls after a brief yet forever period of six months or so, I had pushed all the buttons on the elevator to hell and got good and stuck on that second to last floor. I say second because I have no doubt in my mind that if I were to go out again, my life would descend yet another level into the bowels of hell. It would get worse. Fact. As to if I could get out of it, I don't know. I won't say absolutely not, because God forbid I do fall down. I won't take away all hope. I fear that I would not make it back though. More don't than do, and I am so grateful that I got back the first time. I have a much further distance to fall now too. That fall could kill me right off the bat. Scary. Very scary.

So here I am today, 3 years and some days into being a sober person. And life is pretty good. Far from perfect, way very far from perfect!! lol But I am sober, healthy, and my life is chock full of wonderful people. So my wallet may have dust in it, but my bank account is filled with gold. I am grateful.

I have some uphill climbs facing me at the moment. Like far to many right now, money being a huge issue. I have some health issues (nothing major) that need to be addressed, and money plays a part in what I can do. That is just plain sucky. I have itchy feet living at home right now, and I am waiting to see what God has to say about that ... lol Again comes back to money first. Then is it the best and smartest thing to do to move out??? That's a big can of worms. HUGE muddy gross. Oh the list goes on. But that's ok. If it was all perfect then something would be very wrong!!!!!!

One day, one hour, one minute at a time it will all get worked out to be just what it is suppose to be. I know I am not going to starve or have to run around naked.......... lol I also know that I will keep going to meetings, and be amazed at the people who have made their way back from that lower level of hell. I will be impressed with how they deal with life on life's terms TODAY. I will learn. I will accept that what is most important for me to do today is God's will, not mine. Ok, I will TRY REALLY REALLY HARD to accept that!!!! Always easier to do when things are going the way I want them to.

Year four will have new adventures, like the sober football game. New friends. So many new things will happen......... when it comes right down to it, I am excited about life. Bad stuff will happen too I am sure. I won't drink. Good or bad, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, and keep trying to do a little bit more than that!!!

My new year has begun!! Happy New Year!!!

Sober Fun

Just how fun can sober be?? TONS!!! Last night was another first for me in sobriety. A football game with three other sober woman. And yah know what? It was awesome!!

It was my second sober football game, and I had a great time at that as well. But last night was extra cool being in the company of three amazing wonderful sober women. We shared sober talk as well as everyday talk. It is amazing to me though how all of us apply the steps in our everyday life. Or at least try to. Not that that is how the converstation went ... "I went to the store and applied step 6 ......" No, not at all. But for myself, being aware of how the steps work in my life, listening and also knowing a bit about these gals, I could see how it is working in their lives. That was pretty damn cool too.

So today I am a little tired, legs hurt from walking, but my heart is happy. I had fun last night. And I am still new enough at this sober life that a fun night like that still amazes me. I did not have to drink to enjoy myself. And unlike say another 40,000 people or so who were also there last night .. I have no hangover today!!

Yup, life IS good!!

10 years ago .......

Tomorrow I turn 40. Happy to me ;) So today is 'birthday eve". Ten years ago, if my birthday fell on a Saturday, the party would have started no later than Thursday and continued ..... who knows!! I do remember for my 30Th I did not want a big deal. Looking back, or thinking back on it the reasons are a little more clear. There is no way that anyone could have put on a party that would have been "just what I wanted", so therefor I did not want a party. What would have been "just what I wanted" ... that I don't know, nor do I think I knew then. I just know it would not have been good enough. Not what I wanted. Again, not that I really knew what I wanted. Just that I wanted more more more and would not get it, so what was the point. And it not getting any anything, I knew I then had a "good" reason to go hang out at the bars. Or buy a case and drink it all. I wanted what I could not have, and did not want what I could have, and could not even name what it was I wanted. That was then.

Today........ I am not thrilled with the fact that I am hours away from entering yet another decade of life. 40 might be the new 30, but in my books it is still 40!! But neither am I depressed over the fact. 40 has some real potential after all. I have a slew of nieces and nephews that have the potential to marry and present me with more little babies to love love love!! And although I am hoping for some serious lag time between the now and when, my own child could potentially get married and have babies in the next ten years. So 40's may equal grammy. (50's would be better though....) 40 is going to bring new adventures in work. I have the opportunity to grow this business, and who knows what else!! 40 offers the chance to continue to make and maintain mature friendships (and immature friends ...;).

Most significant to me, 40 offers a new decade with out drinking. I am not one to say from the podium I had my first drink when I was 3 ... I don't know about that lol!! I do know that my brother and I use to sneak "licks" of the green stuff, kind of minty sweet sugary ... Some sort of schnapps or something that my parents kept in a decanter. We would unstop it and lick the cap. Don't know that I ever caught a buzz off it ... we just liked the sugar. But it was booze. So if I take that into consideration that makes being 40 even more special. It truly and really has the potential to be the first decade in my entire life that alcohol will not be a part of. I really really like that idea.

I am not going crazy trying to "project" the future. Today I am giving it some thought is all. I know damn straight that if that future has a chance at all, then I have to keep it all in today. One day. One more day. So today is my last day of being 39, and I will celebrate by not drinking. Tomorrow I enter the new decade of living, and have the gift of being able to do it sober. I will continue to do what I do to the best of my ability. Hopefully ~ and I don't use that word as a cop out~ I will continue to grow, to grow up, to expand my world and enjoy it .. all sober. One, just one .. day at a time.

One year ago .......

One year ago I was devastated by the death of my mother-in law. She was suppose to get better and come home, and instead she died. It knocked the wind right out of me. But I did not drink, even though I wanted to. For that I am grateful beyond belief.
Last year when I blogged about it, I blogged about me, and my grief, and the fact that I wanted to drink. Today I want to blog about her.
I lucked out when it came to a mother in law. I was 18 when I first met her, days away from 39 when she died. For just over 20 years she was a part of my life. She is still, and will forever be a part of my life.
Her son was my first serious boyfriend. At the time, I was the "only" serious "friend" of any of her six children. I don't think either of us were sure how we were suppose to proceed. It took me a little while to get use to her matter of fact comments. Very quickly she decided that if I wanted to be a part of her family, then that's how I would be treated. Translation .... get your own drink if you are still thirsty!!! Not to say she was not a gracious hostess, she was all that and more!! But, as silly as it may seem, by opening up her refrigerator door she opened up the entire hearth and home to me. I was not a guest, I was a part of.
I made her a grandmother two short years later. If she was not thrilled over the fact, or the choice of mates her son had picked, she never ever said. Not by word or deed. I am sure that she would have preferred that we had gotten married THEN started a family, but again, she never ever made me feel bad about the order it happened. It would surprise me if she was thrilled with me becoming a addition to her family on a permanent basis. I had already tortured her son in our relationship. Had it been MY son I would not have been thrilled.
Whatever she felt though, she made the best of the fact that I was there to stay, along with her granddaughter. She did like being a Nana!!!
She was not a spoil them rotten Nana, she was a sit back and enjoy them Nana. She baby proofed the house and picked up some toys that were forever Nana toys. Some spare diapers, baby food .... No converting a room into a nursery though. She was a very busy lady. And though she would happily watch the kids if she could, she was not a full time babysitter thank you very much. I grew up watching my own mother watch her grand kids ~ to the point that she went out and got a job so she could not watch them all the time. Ruth already had the job, and a life. I think it is wonderful that she kept them!!
One time, and one time only can I think of that I really could have killed her. I am still shaking my head over this today ..... She CUT MY DAUGHTERS HAIR!!!!!!!!!!! VERY VERY VERY BADLY!!!!!!!! And I am sure she is in heaven right now shaking her head with me and laughing ... it did grow back. That was the one and only time she ever did anything to piss me off. And we did get over it.
Sunday dinners at Nana's. I have missed those for years. A ham, a turkey, pasta ... depended on her mood. You could come or not ....it was not obligatory..... but it was your loss to miss out on the food. We went most Sundays. I can in fact just about smell the cooking in the kitchen. The boys would hang out in the living room watching whatever ... and her daughters and daughter-in-laws would sit in the kitchen drinking tea and instant coffee. We talked about everything and nothing at all. She would tell stories about her own children and we would share what the grand kids had been up too. It was a peaceful time.
Things change, time changes .... She moved in with her oldest daughter, the kids were growing up and into different things .... She retired and and was very busy with the seniors of her town ... Sunday dinners stopped. Like I said, I have been missing them for a long time.
Life got busy. But when we did see her, the comfort of Ruth was still there. I still swear she was busier in retirement than she was when she worked full time!! That women was a dynamo!!
I am sitting here now, just flashing back on all the many wonderful good times we had. What a wonderful good time lady she was. I miss her. I don't have words for all the things I am thinking of her. She raised good children. Yup, even the ones who don't like me I still respect their mother in them. Her heart was big and deep. She was smart, very smart!! I know that in the time I knew her I learned, and am a better person for having her in my life. I hope, and pray, that my own daughter will be like her Nana. Smart, independent, caring, loving, doing!!
Ruth, if you are looking down from heaven, know that I miss you and love you still and always.

Dirty Laundry

Step four ~ made a searching and fearless inventory

Does not sound that hard right? Until you actually sit down and try and do it!!

It has been interesting in the awol to see how others perceive Step 4. There is a mix of sobriety in the group, for some of us this will be our first attempt at Step 4, others have done several. Last night we talked about some of the "stuff" that has been plaguing us in our sobriety. As we went over different character defects people would share an experience of their own that related. I can't say that is the "norm" for Step 4 work or for an awol, but it is how this little group is working through it.

We all seem to have different yet similar ideas on what this Step will do for us. My own conclusion ....... Well you would have to know the t.v. commercial I am talking about to really get it ... The commercial has a huge GINORMOUS ball of dirty laundry rolling through yards, fences, playgrounds destroying everything in its path. It stops in the back yard of a family that had been peacefully relaxing, playing with the dog, enjoying life. Months of dirty laundry can be pretty scary says the commercial voice. The scenes flashes to the mother folding laundry with stacks and stacks and stacks of clean folded clothes in the background. The little boy goes over to the laundry basket and gives it a kick " not so scary now are you!"

That my friends, for ME, is Step 4. The entire laundry analogy fits. I came into this program with a great big ole freaking ball of dirty laundry. Tons and TONS of it!! It destroyed everything in its path and allowed no peace in my life. Very intimidating to look at. Over the course of the past three years I have been able to do some small loads here and there. But there is still a lot left to do!!! So now I approach Step Four the way I would doing laundry. I am going to have to start by sorting, the colors of my character defects ( fearful, anger, insecure, resentful, lazy, false pride, etc...) Then I have the heavy stuff ~ the jeans and sweatshirts that weigh more, take longer to dry ~ family, the people I really screwed over. Then the delicate, fragile things that might have to be hand washed. ~ family again, and my own heart. Step Four gives me the fancy shmancy washer and dryer on that commercial to work with. I can do some really big loads, along with those delicate. I can get it all done, just not in one day.

And see, the thing about laundry is, no matter how much you do, there is more. Step 10!!! I can do it on a daily basis after I get this monstrosity behind me. And because this is a life long program, when the time comes for me to do Step Four again, I am sure I will have another basket ready. It might just be washing the summer clothes, or the start of another scary ball!! Depends on how well I do step 10!!

So .... Off to the laundromat!!!!

mirmar

Ahhh .... Mirmar, how do I love thee ... let me count the ways ..............





When it comes right down to it, I don't really have the words to describe all I get out of retreat weekend at Mirmar. The basic fact is no matter how I walk through the door, I am improved when I walk out.





The very first trip to Mirmar I really had no clue what to expect. I knew it was a Catholic retreat center and the weekend was called Serenity Retreat and was based on the steps of AA. I knew I would know a couple of people and that was about it. I went because a trio of AA friends said I should not miss it. Ok, nothing ventured, nothing gained!! Thank You God for leading me to that retreat. What a wonderful and amazing part of my recovery it has become.





Each time there is a topic, a little something to think about. Each time there is someone there who has some serious pain going on in their heart. Each time there is healing. Each time there are people who are struggling, either with their program, God, family, work ... some sort of struggle. Each time they get to leave a bit of the struggle behind for at least a few days. Each time there is food ... lots and lots and lots of food!! Each time I am pampered and rested with a full belly and a full heart. Each time it is a new adventure of self and of opening my heart a little wider to let God in. Each time God grows in my heart my heart grows bigger. Each time my heart grows bigger I am able to let more love both in and out. Each time a new voice enters my road of recovery. Each time I learn. Each time I am amazed at the fortitude of my fellow man. Each time I pray. Each time, it is better than the last time.





Who knew that life, never mind sober life, could be this good. Filled with so many blessing both great and small. And that is what Mirmar is for me, blessings both great and small all weekend long!

mirmar

Willful Ways ......

So, if I am doing step 3 correct .............. then my day is in fact none of my business. By turning my will over to my Higher Power, I am giving Him the ok to call the shots for the day. I am willing to go along with what He says.
Its a good thing it says "to practice" these steps to the best of our ability!!!
When I was drinking, I was a victim of myself, and "self will run riot". If God had any ideas of how He thought my day should go, I was very quick to shut Him out. I knew best. HA!!
But how do I know that I AM doing Gods will instead of mine? It is not like He sends me a daily itinerary or fax of "things to do".
I don't think there is a clear cut way to determine it. I just don't. But I did hear last night a good yardarm to go by. If I am about to do something, and it is making me edgy or uncomfortable in ANY way .... stop. Be still. Just wait. If I am feeling serene about what I am doing, then it is ok. I am good to go!! The other thing that I have heard and read I believe in the 12 & 12 is that it really is not a smart idea on my part to think I do in fact KNOW what God's will is for me. I need to talk to people about what is going on in life, to get their take on what should or should not be done. God's will may then become clear. Maybe. Until then, I should just be still. Wait.
As usual, I heard, learned many many good things last night at the awol. I am so glad I that am able to take part in it. I feel good about it. I am constantly surprised at how much of it already feels right in my life. I know that is in large part from going to the step meeting for two years. I learned much more than I thought. I absorbed WAY more that I thought. The path that stretches out before me is a lifetime long and again, if I am doing this right it is none of my business were it leads me, I just have to be willing to follow and keep my mind and heart open to new lessons.

cotton candy ~ a food group????

As much as I would like it to be so, the good dr. told me that Cotton Candy is NOT a food group. But other than that and cut back on the caffine, I got a clean bill of health.

The Cotton Candy thing is killing me though. What started as a ~how cool I can make Cotton Candy whenever I want to, plus it is good to check out the machines ~ has become my new addiction. I can hardly walk by the damn thing without whipping up a "little" batch!! UGGGHH!! I know I have to stop. Between the CC and crunching on ice, I don't even want to know what the dentist would have to say ..

So I am thinking that insanity is still a key part of my mindset ...

That God Thing ..... Again

I am sure I will have more thoughts a pinging around when we get to step 3 with the awol, but God has His place in my thoughts now with step 2.
One of the things I really really like about AA is that I don't have to believe WHAT you believe. And nobody has to believe what or how I believe. It does seem that the majority of people, at least around the AA I go to, end up with God, and usually the Christian God. We have a few and then some CIA around here ( Catholic Irish Alcoholic ), so I think falling back into what you were brought up with is the way to go for most. Pretty much that is were I am. I still don't have a lot of faith in religion, but I do have faith in God.
Belief in a power greater than yourself, if you allow it, can really take the pressure off. I am finding more and more how nice it is to have this friend with me throughout the day and all things. I still have to remind myself, that no, I can't make it rain and there are many other things I am better of turning over. Progress not perfection.
Step 2 opens the door for a power greater than yourself to come in. I have always held a belief, very undefined, in a God, again undefined. I also figured for me to get the way I was, He did not like me to very much. That was a big one to get over. The more I think about this step, and how I got to the point I am at with it today, it really was osmosis!! Well, not all of it. I went to meetings, I went to step meetings, I listened, and in my pea brain bits and parts started to make a good kind of sense. I had to get over the "I am not worthy of Gods Love". Today I know I am. But walking through the doors of AA bruised and battered ......... I did not think it mattered HOW much I believed in a Power Greater Than Myself ... there was no way I was worthy of It's help.
Kind of like how I have no clue when I crossed the line into outright alcoholism, I don't know when I stopped believing I was not worthy. Even at my worst, I am worthy. And if I can accept that, then I can accept the help I will get from Him. Or Her ..........

Insane??? Who ~ ME????

Well, yes ME!! Step 2 Came to Believe a Power Greater Than Ourselves Can Restore Us To Sanity. Ok, but that means having to admit that I was insane if I need to be restored to sanity. I did not like that step all that much at first. Who wants to admit to being nuts AND alcoholic? One or the other please, not BOTH!!
I will admit, in the first go round I would have rather ed be insane. Then I could drink right? Not. Once I did get into the steps ... just the little baby toe on my left foot dipping in ... I really did not like the label of insane. I read what it had to say in the 12 & 12, and listened at the step meetings, and although it made sense I did not like it. I did not identify with it. I had done some stupid things, but I was not insane.
Two years straight of going to the step meetings, and regular meetings, without me even knowing it I started to resemble that step. I got the part about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being a definition of insanity. After all, how many hundreds of times did I walk into a bar and KNOW that I was just going to have ONE drink. This time it will be different. And it never was. If for some reason I did actually limit myself to one or two drinks that day, I always made up for it the next time I drank. Insane.
Last night at the awol, we read some examples from the little red book. I found myself nodding my head FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!! Insane?? Ya think??
Today though, I am walking around a little lighter in the soul department. Last night I really really was able to admit without reservation that yes, I WAS insane. Knowing that, accepting that, and key word being WAS ... really did bump me up a notch in my recovery. I feel better today. Admitting to the insane behaviour that was me did not buy me a stay in a padded room, it opened another door to recovery for me. The benches in this new room might be padded for safety reasons, but also for comfort.

Healthy ~

My parents have always been of the "if something is wrong call the doctor" type. Children and pets in our household, always got their shots!! Although not as good as mom and dad about my own health, I do try and get to the doctor every couple of years. Sobriety has given me the gift of improved health. Working my tail off this summer has whittled me down size wise, and given me muscles I never knew I could have!! So I figure I am in good health, right?

At the first AWOL one of the things that we went over was health. How taking good care of yourself is a very important part of sobriety. Bad health can lead to re-lapse. It made sense to me. I last saw my primary when I was a few months sober. After the AWOL I made a appointment with my primary, so he could tell me I am as healthy as I think I am.

Then I fainted. Yes, really fainted!! Never had that happen ever before. Not even passed out in a bar and pretend it was fainting! Can't say it is on my list of things to do again real quick. I was chatting during break at a meeting a week ago today. My tummy had been upset, and I still blame that ~ bbq ribs, pepsi, and a sweet flavored latte ~. The tummy ache got worse, I felt a little queasy, moved off to the side and next thing I know I am looking up at all these faces wondering why they are in my bedroom??????? Apparently I was out for a couple of minutes. My embarrassment was acute I can tell you that much!! 911 was on the way .. joy joy joy... Nobody would let me get up, and it was just easier to give in. The boys in blue showed up and loaded me into the ambulance. ( I will admit to the very vain thought of how I was glad for the weight loss when they put me on the gurney!!) Everything checked out ok though .. bp ~fine sugar~fine temp~fine. They still wanted me to go to the hospital, they always want you to go to the hospital!! Cute though these guys were, I was all set thank you very much. If I had really thought there was something big wrong I would have gone. But spending the night being poked, prodded, and generally annoyed ~ all the while wondering how much this was going to COST .. nope, pass.

But I still can't believe I fainted!! lol I did call the dr. the next day. He never called back. I am scheduled for my appointment next week. And I know he won't know why it happened anymore next week that he would had I gone in the next day. Just one of those things.

I am so glad we covered health in the AWOL ....

AWOL

A Way Of Life ............

I just started a AWOL last week. I am still very curious as to what all it will be about, and what we will do. My understanding, at this time, is that we will go over the steps, DO the steps, and the point of the entire thing is to incorporate the 12 steps better into our day to day living. I am down with that!!
I am actually very excited about it. I think there were 12 of us, all women, and I knew all but one, and "know" about half of them fairly good. I like all of them, a real plus!! Doing something like this with a group of women is a real first for me, and I think a very important one. I have always been a guys girl, getting along far better with the men in my little part of the world than the women. I have found in AA that I am able to have good relationships with the women as well, although I have to add that is more due to the generosity of spirit of the women I have met than my own doing. But I am learning!!
The first exercise that we did showed me a few things right off the bat. First off just how intense this group can potentially be. The first exercise was to meditate back onto a moment of powerlessness over alcohol. Then share it. Again, it is a really good group of people and the sincerity of the sharing was very humbling, and uplifting at the same time. It takes courage to share like that. For my own part, going back and focusing on a moment of powerlessness was kind of a earth shaker for me. I honestly don't think about it all that much. I don't think I am so much giving lip service to Step One, but I don't dwell on it or think about the powerlessness I had (have) over alcohol. But after doing, thinking about it the way we did .... It is pretty important to keep that in mind. Kind of like a flash card that needs to be pulled out when I think of that step. Powerlessness over alcohol ~ going to the bar when I don't want to, staying in the bar when I want to go home, sneaking out of the house to go to the bar, hiding the booze, lying about were I have been or were I am going, being with people that are not good for me because I can drink with them. The list is of course longer, but the part that rocked me the other night was the going to the bar and not being able to leave. It is a pure fact that that was me. I was glued to the seat until my alcoholism said I could go home. And not a second before ....
I am so glad that is not a part of my day to day. I love having the freedom to do the next right thing now. Might not always do it ... but at least I have the freedom to NOT do it as well ... ;) Freedom.......... Amen

Babble

I have had so many different "topics" running around in head the past week. My heart continues to ache for my friend and her family. She had posted about the many people who said they could not imagine the pain she is going through. And how that was no comfort to her at all. My heart broke for her all over again with that statement. I may be cowardly in not responding directly to her, but I really feel she has enough on her plate and does not need my babble on that topic.
Can I imagine the pain she is in. Not all the way, no I can't. I know some of the pain she is in, but her pain in uniquely her own. Different even that that of her dh or even my sister. The same as when I hear a story in AA that is "like" mine. I can identify with some, or even most of it. Regardless, it does not make the story "worse" or "better" than my own. It is different. What I can do is ephathize. And pray for peace for her. Sooner rather than later.

Next I go back to gratitude. I had a commitment at the de-tox this past week. I speak there as often as I am able to with my group, and in this case with a group I go to all the time. Anyways, on the way in I met up with a person who I have seen off and on as long as I have been in AA. He was checking in. Really blew me away. I have seen other people I know in as patients before, but not anybody I knew as well as this man. Then when we got into the commitment, I saw another man I know. His brother is one of the people I depend on a lot in AA. A unofficial sponsor so to speak. This guy came in just about the same time as me 3yrs ago. He had been in and out of AA for a number of years, but if you had asked me a week ago about him I would have said without a doubt that he is one of the ones who got it this time. Looks like I was way wrong. At least he was there getting help ... again. But it really really blew my mind. When it was my turn to talk I started off saying I was grateful to be there. Well, that really surprised me. That is not one of my lines, gratitude list or no. I had to pause after saying it I was so surprised! I was not able to think all that much about it right then .. I still had to talk. But in reflecting, I was grateful to be there that night. I was with two strong AA people and got here hear their stories told a little different that how it sounds from the podium. I was able to be there for the first guy and help him in the door and give his wife a hug. I know he is struggling now and who knows, may be able to help him down the line. I got to see the second guy, and it showed me how dangerous is is to assume that everything is all right with people. And how important sticking with the meetings and my group is. And last, I was grateful that I was a VISITOR to the de-tox. I was grateful in a very basic way, that I was sober. As much as I think it is important to be grateful for all the "stuff" that goes with BEING sober ... it is also important that I not forget to be grateful for the fact that I AM sober .......

I have lots of thoughts jumbling in my head today, so I beg your pardon in advance for being all over the place.
First and foremost in my thoughts today is a friend of mine who is going through what has to be the worst thing in the world. The death of a child. Compounded by the fact that this child took his own life. I don't think there is recovery from that.
My own nephew took his life coming up on five years ago Nov 1. He had always been a troubled kid, the kind that if it could go wrong for him, it would. Had he lived there is a good chance he could have been one of us. At the point were he took his life, drugs and booze were not an issue, though he had some minor brushes with the law that were alcohol related. They really were of the stupid kind though. He was once arrested for transporting alcohol illegally. True storey, he drank in Canada were it was legal for him to drink, was a back seat passenger when he got back to good ole USA were he was underage. He was arrested. They were pulled over for car trouble. ?????? That one still blows my mind. Yet that was the "luck" this boy had. I wonder, often actually, had he been given the gift of the 12 steps, could he have found his way out of the hell he thought his life was? Could he have moved on, and found a life that was second to none? Could he have found a life he wanted to live?
Sadly it is not something I will have an answer for in this life time. But I think of him when I hear, many many many times, people at the podium talk about failed suicide attempts, of picking out the tree or bridge they could ram into to end the hell they were going through as active alcoholics. I am always so glad that they failed. I know the pain, the absolute devastation of a suicide in the family.
I would be lying to say I don't understand. Though I never made a attempt on my life as a active alcoholic, I had tried when I was in my teens. I look back on that portion of my life and still wonder about it. The pain that I felt was not really my own if you can follow that. I had (have) a good family, I was not abused, I had a job, friends. But it was not enough to make me happy. Instead I dwell ed on the suffering of people I knew, and people I did not know but read about in the news. Life did not seem worth living. I wanted things to be better, but felt helpless as to how it could happen. So dying seemed like the best way to deal with it. Then I would not have to deal with it anymore. It just would all be over.
Now I am years later, a member of AA, and one of the sayings that has stuck in my head "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I have had days in sobriety were I wanted to just toss it all overboard, then I think about that saying. I think about all I would have missed out on had one of my attempts in my teens been successful. I think about the loss of my nephew. What we are missing out on not having him today. I know today that whatever is going on, how ever black the hole is ... this too shall pass. It is not a trite saying, to offer minor comfort, but an actual fact of life. Granted, whatever is going on will in fact pass and there is no promise that the next thing on the agenda will be any better .... but it will be different. And I will grow stronger for sticking it out.
And I wish with all my heart and soul that I could reach out to people like my friends son, my nephew, BEFORE they take that final route. Give them a glimmer of the life that could be for them. Show that it is not all so bad. Get them to make a gratitude list of their own. Because even in the darkest of times of my past two years, there has always been something worth being grateful for.

Grad-ah-tude

Ahhh... the best laid plans of mice and men .... and alcoholics!!

I have not been nearly as good as I wanted to be writing everyday. The only really valid reason is when the computer is not playing well. That falls under "things I can not change" The rest of the time it has been a matter of spinning my wheels and not getting things done. Someday ... sooner rather than later ... I WILL be good about doing the things that are good for me to do... for me!! In the tween time, I take back the everyday posting and will be honest about doing it when I get a chance to. I am going to continue to keep the gratitude list going for myself though. I am grateful today for that list. It really does keep me going!!

Grad-ah-tude

Bunches and bunches of it!!!

I had a albeit brief, but much enjoyed vacation this week. One of my sibs had a vacent time share in a beautiful spot near the ocean, and only a hour drive time. Another sib and I took advantage and became commuters for the week. I did manage to sneak one complete and total day off. And for that I am oh so oh so oh so oh so grateful!!!

Absolutely just what the dr. ordered for this girl I can tell you that!!! I think I managed to enjoy the hell out of my brief respite more so than if it was a full week off!! The sleeping late part did not really work for me, to used to getting up and going. But I was able to enjoy a awesome walk along the bay to breakfast next to the water, followed by lunch next to the water, and then do a little wandering that led me to a park surrounded by water .... is there a theme here or what??

The park was for sure the highlight of my adventures away from home for a day .... Big jiegundahuge rocks that I could climb down to, then sit on while the waves just crashed around me. Such a awesome inspiring place to be! I have to admit, as I sat there thrilling to the sounds, smells, and random water drops, I could not see how someone could miss out on knowing that there are powers greater than our self in the universe. I have had other nature inspired moments like that before, but I was really just awestruck by the well, of ... well EVERYTHING!!! I could literally feel the worries of the world just get sucked right out of me as the waves retreated from my rock. Life is good.

Sure, stuff has already snuck back it ... life is life after all. But it was great to really be able to turn it all over and wave good by. I am still re-charged and feeling good. And now I have this added experience to store in the tool box for when the stress of everyday is messing with my serenity. And if things get real desperate, the park is a mere hour away waiting to take my issues of the moment for a ride out to sea ............

Grad-ah-tude

An entires weekends worth!!!!

One of my nieces got married this weekend. It was a beautiful weekend, perfect day for a wedding, everyone had fun nobody got hurt ... I am grateful!!

Friday I was unbelievably grateful for a great employee who worked his tail off to help me be able to take the rest of the weekend off and enjoy it. I really am very delighted with this boy. In a age of entitlement for the teens, sorry I see it far to much! .. This boy is a hard worker and very responsible. I can trust him to do as asked, and do what he says. He has made running this business possible.

Saturday was wedding day, and I was grateful for EVERYTHING!! All the family that was able to attend, and play nice. The love and happiness that was so evident on my nieces face, and her now husband. Very special to see and be a part of. And I am oh so very very grateful that I remember the entire night, and was clean and sober. That allowed me to enjoy the night so much more than had I been drinking!

I have to interject a little story here. There was one person, who IF it was up to me to make the call, I would say this person is a alcoholic. Not my call ... anyways.... This person asked that my sister and I buy some beer for the after party. Neither of us wanted to do it, but another person added to the request. Again, not our call to make. We stressed and stressed over this. By the time we left the reception it was late, we were in a area we did not know looking for someplace to buy beer. We did not want to go back with out it, because the person can be such a freaking ass, and if we did not have the beer ... oh the stress the stress. We never did find a place to buy it. And again the stress the stress of showing back at the hotel without the beer. We were plotting and planning who we could go to to get beer to keep this person from turning up the volume on being a JERK. Doing all of this, made me oh so very grateful that I was not torturing my family like that anymore. And made me sad to realize just what a pain in the ass I was when I was active. I don't believe I ever turned as nasty as this person, but I might have been like that. Sad. But again, grateful for the reminder to me of what it use to be like ~ for me. And what I did to others.

Sunday I was grateful to not wake up with a hangover .... lol And to have all my memories of the night before in tact. TO know that I did nothing to upset or offend anyone. To know that when I say I had a good time, it was the truth.

And today I am grateful it is all over!!!

Grad-ah-tude

Yesterdays grad-ah-tude will be simple. I am grateful that I have a computer even if I can't always use it.

Today I will be grateful for the steps. I have not been so very good about going to my step meeting with the up and coming AWOL I hope to participate in next month. I have been giving myself a "break" from the steps. Not such a bright idea!! To bad it takes getting away from something, in my case, to appreciate how important they are. At the meeting the other night there were a few things that were said that reminded me what I was missing out on not putting effort on a daily basis into living the steps as they are laid out. 1,2,3 all the time 10,11,12 all the time. 4,5,6,7,8,9 ... not so practical to do all the time but important none the less. How else am going to be able to do the rest and grow if I have not done work on those?

So even though I have not been so good, I did not drift so very far either. I am grateful for that as well.

grad-ah-tude

So today was kind of a tough day ~ "D" day ~ I had to go to court for my divorce. Lots and lots of emotions floating around for me right now. Keeping in mind the promises though, today I am grateful for the history I had with my now former husband. I am grateful for all the good times, all the times we were able to share and express love and support for each other, the growing we did together and the many times he helped me. I will always be grateful for having HIM in my life for the period of time we had before I crossed the line and turned into a drunken sloth. I hope that someday he will be able to forgive me, and that I don't allow myself to turn bitter and nasty at him if he is not able to. "Will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it" .... that covers a lot. Good and bad. I am grateful that I have those promises to help me through days like today!!

Grad-ah-tude

Today I will be grateful for family, and the fact that they love me sometimes despite myself! I think this week it is going to be important to remember how much family means to me. One of my nieces is getting married this weekend. A wedding to rival a royal wedding!! Even though with each new idea she has she adds that she and the dh to be are "simple" people. If this wedding does not prove just how complex we "simple" people are, I don't know what will!! As the day gets closer I know the stress will build, and THAT is why I have to REMEMBER to be GRATEFUL for family .. lol
I am actually blessed with a really great family. 7 brothers and sisters, both parents living, and a slew of wonderful nieces and nephews ranging from baby, to 33!!! Are we a perfect family, puh-leez!! But we do stick together good times and bad. And we have had some very bad. The admiration I feel for each one of my family members unfortunately goes unspoken most of the time. We are real good about giving each other a hard time .. with love.... not so good about saying hey, you are a great person and I love you and I am proud of you. Why that is so difficult to do to someone you love ?????? Something to work on.
So today I am going to pray for each member of my family, love, health, happiness, and a awareness of the good things in their own life to be grateful!

Grad-ah-tude

In the busy busy world that has become my life. Yah know, the one that was going to be over when I put down the drink? I try very hard to stay grateful for what I have. I don't want to lose sight, EVER of the good things in my life because I am not drinking and belong to the fellowship of AA. I hear it over and over and over at meetings how people "get busy", and eventually it leads to a drink. That scares me more than anything, because I can see just how easy it can happen.

So I have a goal that I am stealing from a friend who post. I am modifying it a bit .. I am going to try and post every day for a month. Even if it is just a one liner. And every day it will be something I am grateful for. And if all I can find for that day is I have clean socks .... I will be grateful for that.

Today I am grateful in particular for the fellowship of AA and what it has given me. I recently have had some major life on lifes terms bad mojo. AA has taught me that I did not have to drink over it first and foremost. Second, through your stories I learned that even though it all sucked, and could very well suck for a long long time, it would still be ok. You taught me to trust in my Higher Power, to acknowledge that even though this bad was going on, I was not being punished, that if I gave my trust to my God, believed that He would take care of me and get me through it, He would. As long as I did it on His terms, not mine. You taught me to accept His terms. You taught me that it was ok for me to not like it, He was not going to pull His support if I disagreed with how He wanted to do things .. but I still had to do things His way.

I was in fact all set for things to get far worse before they got any better. Well, it got much better much faster than I could have possibly imagined. Still not perfect, or even great, but better. Down the line I do believe that great will be the result of what has been going on. I know it has helped me grow. And even though it sucked, I am grateful.

Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Close The Door On It

One of the lines from the promises in AA's big book. I will admit to having mixed feelings on that one some of the time. There are plenty of moments from my past that I wish I could deadbolt behind a closed door never to be seen or heard from again. I have just such a situation going on in my life at the moment. BUT .... ahh, there is always a but... Even though I know I have made some pretty ginourmouslycolosal mistakes in my past, and no doubt still have a few ahead of me too ... The promises are correct. I can't regret the past, even the screw ups. They are all what has made me the person that I am today.

Corny as the shows on t.v are, the ones that are about having a "do over" for something you might have wished different in your past, never leads to the person being happy with this "new" life. The baseball they should have hit, the man they should have married, the paper they shouldn't have cheated on... Does not really matter if it is something you should have, or should not have done. It is what has brought you to today. And when it comes right down to it, TODAY is all that matters.

When crap from the past does surface, like right now, my first instinct is to deny, lie, and hide. But I am learning. I accept that what is done is just that, done. I can't go back and change it. What I can do now is learn from it, accept responsiblity for my actions, and even more important is that I have to accept that sometimes I am not going to be forgiven. Just because I am sorry does not make it all ok. Be nice if it did ... but that is not how the real world works. Not everybody has the 12 steps in their life!! And when I am not forgiven, I don't have to drink, I don't have to continue to beat myself up over what is done, and I don't have to grovel and beg for forgiveness that may never come. What I do have to do is accept responsiblity for what has been done, and now just do the next right thing. That is really all I can do, try on a daily basis to do the next right thing. I am not always going to get it. Sometimes my "try" is going to be a little lackluster. I might take my will back from God. But when I catch myself doing that, I just have to start all over again. And TRY.

And I do have to keep that door to the past open, sometimes I have to look back to readjust the journy forward.

Party Sober??? Oh Gawd YES!!

Party Sober??? Nope, sorry, can't do it. What is the point? A party is a really good excuse to get plastered and not feel to bad. After all, everyone else is doing it too!!! Minimal guilt, shame, and remorse for getting trashed, now thats what I call a party! The hangover is just the price you pay for having such a good time. Oh, and the throwing up, a little blood is nothing to worry about either. And that stuff you said ~ well everyone knows you were drunk and didn't really mean it. And I am sure that someone will tell you what happened after 8:00 when you blacked out ..... Like were are YOUR clothes? ................................... Oh yah .. party time!!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, That was summer in a nutshell just three short years ago. I honestly did not think there was a point in having a party if it did not involve lots and lots and lots of booze. It did not matter if it was my daughters birthday party or a bbq. BOOZE was at the top of the list for what had to be purchased. And as soon as everyone was fed, cake and icecream served, then I would go into self serve with the drinking. People would help with the clean up, but the bulk would still be out there the next day. After all, I had worked so very very hard to put the party on ... once I figured it was safe then I HAD to reward MYSELF with beer, after beer, after beer, after beer.. It would take days to clean up, mostly because I was hungover for days. Wooo Hooo ... FUN!!

Nope, I don't miss it. I am really learning what fun is now. I had a sober party, for no reason other than to have a sober party, this past weekend. Now that was FUN!!! Right off the bat I can tell you here is is Monday and every bit of the cleanup is done done done. I also remember the entire party. And ... this is pretty huge here ... I don't think I offended anyone!! Wow.

It was a crazy day, running hither and yon getting ready and getting all the food out. Checking to make sure everyone had plenty of whatever it was they should have plenty of! And I loved it. Every second of it. No regrets, no resentments. Just enjoyable. I wish I could have sat and chatted a little longer with everyone. It was kind of like a wedding were I could only zip by each table for a short time ..lol But it was all just so cool to see. About 50 people, from the banker to the biker, all just relaxing and enjoying eachothers company. Were else but AA could I have such a diverse assortment of people who know how to have a good time ... SOBER!!

Ok, so I do have one regret, and that is that I did not know I could live like this sooner. However, I am ever ever so glad that I CAN live like this NOW!!

Steady Eddie

" Hi everyone, my name is Steady Eddie and I am a alcoholic, and back in the day it use to be "Jesus Eddie ... Steady.............

I can't count the number of times I heard that, or a variation of that. And now I will never hear it again. On June 7, 2008 my very dear friend Steady Eddie passed on to what I hope is a better place. If anyone deserves to rest in peace it is this man. Not that I really think he will, rest in peace that is. If he has his way, then he is gathering up all the AA angels in heaven and working his magic with them. I am sure it will take weeks and weeks for him to dispense all the hugs to those who went before him. Then he will turn his eyes downward in search of a needy soul still here on earth. And some how, some way, he will continue to touch the lives of those of us left behind.

I can't really tell you the first time I met Eddie. Just seems like all of the sudden he was a part of my life. A part that had always been there. And perhaps he was always there for me, it just took me a while to find him. But find him I did. I joined the throngs of women who loved to dance with this man. 80 something years old, and he would dance us under the table. And he loved it. The Eddie smile would be on his face, and if you did not smile in return, well I am not sure what your problem is. I always had to smile back.

That first dance with him I was still pretty new to AA and being sober ~ for real. Smiling, dancing, none of that was really on my list of things to do. But he got me. Next thing I know, every Sunday when I went to the meeting, there he was standing up to get, and give a great big hug. I was being the gift of unconditional love. Thankfully it did not take me long to know this, and cherish it. Little by slow I got to know this kind hearted man. And he knew EVERYONE! Why then was he taking the time to know me? I don't have a "this is why" answer to that. Its just Eddy. His love and his friendship allowed me to begin my walk into the living. I thought my life was over when I stopped drinking, and here is the 80 something old man jumping out of airplanes, dancing the night away, and all the while calling to me .. Kris.. come on and join us.

Eddy literally "got me going". He got me to the Christmas Party, New Years Party, Retreat, Plays, Area Dances ........... The man had tickets for EVERYTHING AA in New England. And because it was Eddy asking, how could I say no? I can't tell you how much I needed to be at these things that first year. I did not know how badly at the time, but on reflection I can see how much, how very very much it helped me to do these things. Eddy knew. I am not saying that he knew just for me, but he knew how to bring people into the fold of AA. He lived by example and grabbed you to join him. Before you know it, you are enjoying life .... SOBER!! Your biggest regret is not the worse thing you did drunk, but rather the time wasted when you could have been living this wonderful sober life.

Eddys story is not mine to tell, but I can tell you how much of a impression and impact it made on me. He struggled for many many many years trying to get sober. He went into de-tox close to two hundred times. He kept trying. He got some sobriety, but was not really "working" AA. But he was on the fringes .. and sober. Then a fellow AA'er who was also a councilor at the de-tox he went to meetings ... ever so gently took a two by four upside his head and smacked him into AA. And away he went into his new sober life. Getting degrees, awards, making friends, helping, helping, helping.

From Eddys story I learned that the past is just that .. past. I can't change it no matter what. I don't have to be chained to it either. It does not matter how many times it takes a person to get to the halls of AA, the very very most important thing is that they are here TODAY ... today is the only day of sobriety that counts. It is not my place to judge another persons sobriety, if they are at a meeting .. and that is the only meeting they go to all week ... they are at a meeting. You can be sober and still in a lot of pain, it might take a while to want to move a little closer to the middle of AA. And at some point or another ... a two by four may be needed to give a little push. And there is a HUGE difference between helping and judging .

Dance Sober!!! If you are worried about how you "look" dancing, flash back onto some of the things you did drunk ......... Yah, your fine now. Dance and enjoy every single day given to you. I saw Eddy go through some hard stuff, but he always danced.

I honestly could go on and on and on and on about how much I got from Eddy. I am truly blessed to have had his living presence in my life, and continue to be blessed with him in my heart forever. I heard at a meeting the other night, that the death of Steady Eddy was not the death of a era, but rather the birth of a legacy. I have to agree.

Eddy, I hope that you know just how much your love helped me heal. Until we meet again, I am going to keep on dancing!!

Big Shoes

The past year in the AA community I belong to, has sadly brought the death of a few AA "icons" for lack of a better description. I personally did not know any of them well, and some not at all, but that did not keep there influence from touching my life, my recovery. Currently a dear friend who has had a very marked influence on the recovery community in this area, awards and buildings named after him for example, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has months left at the most.
This man has truly helped millions of people. Before I even knew him he had helped me, by helping others that came before me, so that they could help me. The very simple way AA works. We all help each other to the best of our ability.
I consider myself both fortunate and blessed to have him as a part of my life. He is a loving and generous spirit. I can't tell you what his hugs do to brighten my day. I will continue to cherish each visit until the God of his understanding brings him home.
All of this has had me thinking of a few things. A real basic fact of how blessed the people of AA really are. We too have a terminal illness. This disease will kill us, no doubt about it. But it does not have to. If we work our program the way it is laid out we can keep from dying of this disease. By following the basics, pray, go to meetings, talk, be active, don't drink, ask for help. Not a single shot or hospital room and we can choose NOT to DIE of this disease. Could that others have the same options when faces with a life sentence.
The other thing stems from a conversation I had with another "long timer". She has a number of years in the program, but is herself on the young side of life. She commented that all her mentors were dying. That it was time for herself and her hubby to start picking up the slack, that they would be the "old timers". She wondered aloud at how she could ever fill there shoes. The answer was quick. You can't. Not a one of us can hope to accomplish the same things that these people have. It just can't be done. Their shoes cannot be filled. However, because of their influence on this up and coming "old timer" .... New shoes are created, new paths are made. There is no saying if it will be better or worse, that is not the goal. It will be different. That too is how this program works. At the very core it stays the same, but the people in it change and adapt. Find new words or ways to express their own history so that others can learn from them. And the cycle will continue. It does not start again, it continues. This women learned from those before her, I learn from her, and down the line others may learn from me and continue to pass it on .......

Up Up and ....

Not gonna let it take me away!! My new store opened this week, and I have been bushwhacked every single night. So I have a pretty good reason to stay home and not go to meetings right? Nope, nope, nope!!

Wednesday night, my step meeting. I used to love going to that meeting, but have not been as into it the past six months or so. I stopped going for a bit, and added another open meeting. But I knew something was missing, felt it. So when they started back on Step One to cycle through again I committed in my head to going back. I have already missed a couple and we are on Step Six. I missed last Wednesday .... no good reason other than I was tired and didn't want to go. That type of thinking is so very bad for me. This week I was on that same playing field. I also had the added "excuse" of how tired I was from opening the new place. I really did not want to go.

I live in complete fear of that first drink. Even two years away from the last drink. I have had enough days, both good and bad, were the thought of a drink still passes through my head. It does not shake me up the way it use to, I have accepted the fact that I am a alcoholic and these thoughts will plague me my entire life. I know this because I go to meetings and people have spoken of it. And today, I know that I am no different from them. I also know that the meeting I will really regret going to will be the one I did not go to at all.

My friend G speaks of a slip she had when she was five or six years sober. She went to lots of meetings and was pretty active. Then one day she did not go to her meeting. And she figured a nice glass of wine would be oh so tasty .... Took her another five years to get back. There is no knowing for sure, but there is a good chance that if she went to her meeting that day, she would not have had that glass of wine.

I have enough regrets on my hands, I don't want to add anymore. I don't want to drink. So I went to the meetings. And I did not regret one single minute of it. Because of the new store I will be missing my Sunday morning meeting. Tonight I will go to a different one. This meeting is actually were I got what I hope is my last 24 hour chip. I like to start my week off with a meeting, and how great it is that I can start this new chapter in my life in the place that in fact started a whole new book .........

Bar room pipe dreams no more ....

How many, many, many, MANY times did I sit at the bar and tell people how to run their lives? I always had the answers. How many, many, many times did I sit at the bar and talk about "the things I could/would" do "some day". Lots and tons and then some.

Today I don't have to pretend to have the answers for other people. And I actually wait for a question (most of the time) before I venture a response of any kind. What a wonderful gift of sobriety that is. I don't have to be in charge of anyone other than myself. That includes my eighteen year old daughter and someday to be ex husband. I am free to be just me. I can offer and give my love and support, and mean it. More importantly, I can really give it.

As for those bar room pipe dreams ......... I can make those real now. Really real!! For EVER I have dreamed of running my own business. What business that would be changed from week to week, but the dream was there. When I was drinking of course part of the motivation was how convinced I was in my arrogant way that I could "do it better". I was a legend in my own mind.

Less than a week from now that dream of running my own business will be coming true. After many hurtles (I have a HUGE resentment against building inspectors at the moment....) ... I will be opening the doors to MY place. Really real. I am still kind of in a state of disbelief to be honest. Once I have the keys in hand and product in stock ... make that first sale ... it MIGHT all start to feel really real. In the tween time, I am getting ready.

Not just trying .. but doing. I am not so concerned about "doing it better than". I do of course want to do it better than the competition, be kind of silly if I didn't! But the arrogance of drunken me is gone. I will be asking for help and advise, and listening. I will implement ideas, some will work, some will not. And that is ok. God is giving me a shot. And if this is not what I was meant to do with my life, not going to be my success story, that is ok too. Instead of just talking about it, I am doing. Such a big improvement that I have already succeeded more than I ever would have sitting in a bar.

Howard Be Thy Name....

So many people get turned off in AA because of the Higher Power / God part. That really is such a sad thing. AA is not about God, even if there is more than a few mentions of God. It is about believing that YOU are NOT God. That is really all you need to know. How, or what you choose in your life to be a Power Greater that YOURSELF ... is completely up to you. How you express your belief is entirely up to you. Yes, there are people who will put pressure on you to believe WHAT they believe ... but that is not a part of AA. "We are not allied with any sect or denomination" That is a AA fact.
I talked with someone today .. thus my little rant ... who just does not have any room for God in her life at the moment. I say moment not because I plan to convert her, but to leave it open. She has to leave before the Our Father. She has her reasons. Ok. I asked her to look around us right now. Huge trees, sun, snow covered ground .... could she do that?? No. Can you look around and see some of the beauty of it ... yes. Can you get some peace from that? She is going to work on that.
Prayer ... another issue. Meditation ... same page of issues. So how about making a wish? Start each day just making a wish. Wish for sobriety. Light a candle and blow it out ... make a wish. No God involved. Going to work on that as well.
And last, what I had to do for a bit in the beginning, when I was not ready for God. During the Our Father ... Howard Be Thy Name. I could deal with Howard. For me I knew there was a God .. for ME .. but I was not ready for Him. I could deal with Howard.
Whatever works .... that is the right way to do it. And it is whatever works for YOU. What works for me might not work for you. And vs verse. As long as you are working it, then you have a chance of it working for you.

Self Esteem

Ash Wednesday. Lent. How many many many times was I going to give up drinking for lent? I never actually DID, but perhapes if I had ????? Nah, I need AA. I might have been able to give up the drink for 40 days, but I shudder to think what would have happened on day 41. I am pretty sure that I would have tried to make up for the entire 40 days in one day. That would have been a good way to end up dead. So it is just as well I was not able to stop at all until I got to the halls of AA. Here I learn how to keep being stopped.
The past couple of weeks in the halls have been interesting. Just little things that have been going on that are different from my usual. I don't know how I am feeling about it all if I am honest. I was included in a very special dinner with some very special AA people. I was, am still, surprised that I was included. Most of the people have YEARS of AA, and are very well "conected" in AA. So why pick me? I had a great time btw. Dad & I set up the hall for my home group, and again, a surprise to be asked to do so. This time though it really did make sence as to why I was asked ... I have a very flexable schedule & live a stones throw away. I have been on a few commitments the past couple of weeks and was not asked to speak. That one is a funny one for me. I am more than ok with not having to speak, but there is that part of me that is reading to much into not being asked to share. Ego for sure. Actually, for all three ego plays a pretty big part in how I am feeling. Advantage of writing things down, now I can see it. Saying that I can take it a step further. Being me, with a fairly low self esteem, I am surpised to be included and thought of in a positive way. Because of that low self esteem I am also looking for reasons that people don't think of me in a positive way.
No big turn around even knowing better what is going on in my head. What I will do is turn it all over to God and ask Him to help me work on it. He gave me the flashlight to help see it, now I have to work on finding the light switch to see it even clearer.

Life is a chair of bowlies. Sometimes. Other times, if you are having a really good day, it might be a bowl of cherries! But life on lifes terms for me is usually the chair of bowlies. I am not saying that is a bad thing to be honest with you. I think if I was living on high, with a bowl of cherries everyday, then I might start thinking I was cured or something silly like that. My chair of bowlie days are not so bad. I can look back on just about everyday and find some good in it. I am sure I could find some not so good as well, but that really serves no purpose. When I lived in a bottle that is what I did all the time. It is amazing how easy it is to inventory how the world at large has wronged us. Those days were just the pitts.
I don't miss those days. Today I sit in my warm room listening to the wind whip around, content in the Super Bowl match ups and able to remember last nights games. I will go to work for a bit, but not before I have my mini meeting when I get my coffee. And I will go about my day. I do have a possible big stresser facing me today. I will ask God to help me, and He will. I might not care for the answer, but I will get one. And then I will continue on my day. Reminding myself not to dwell on the things that are not going "my" way.
And I am sure, today will in fact be a chair full of bowlies!!

When you keep going to meetings....

Last night I was at another anniversary meeting. The chairperson introduced her first speaker in such a way that it struck, and stuck in a very strong way.

"I actually do not know my first speaker at all, but I heard her speak the other day and asked her to speak tonight. We all know what happens if you stop going to meetings. Tonight I would like you to meet what happens when you DON'T stop"

Wow. What an introduction. And what a very cool thought. What does happen when you don't stop going to meetings? TONS OF STUFF!! Good, bad, happy, sad and all the in between fluff and stuffs. But you don't have to pick up a drink over it. Awesome.

The speaker herself is someone I give a lot of credit too as well. She is soft spoken, but very firm, very very firm about how she works HER program and how it works for HER. I love hearing from people like that. She was not up there telling me how to do it, she was showing me.
Wow.

I don't think the chair "planned" her speakers the way it worked out, but she had a perfect mix of some serious long term sobriety that showed what happens when you keep coming, and a few that have gone out and were lucky enough to make it back. All of them strong women in sobriety. All of them had something I needed to hear last night. I have been asking my Higher Power for some extra help lately .. and boy has He been coming through for me.

God doing that God thing again ...

So last night I was at a one year anniversary meeting. Always a wonderful type of meeting to be at. I am going to change the names & places, but I have a story of God doing His God thing again. Really amazing to me, as I actually know the people.

Megan started the meeting off with asking her sponsor Carrie to speak. Carrie has been around AA for a few 24hr. Megan introduced her, and said "I asked Carrie to be my sponsor after a few months of seeing her around because I liked what I saw. And she (Carrie) was going back to school, and that is something I would like to do someday." With that she turned the podium over to Carrie.

Carrie shared her experience, strength and hope. As she came to the end of her sharing, including years of service for AA and how she was back to school now. She then said with Megan's permission she would share how God put them together.

Carrie went to a BIG college, thousands of students. Starting her back to school with a just a couple of classes. One of the classes required field trips. Being the "old lady" in the class (4o something), with a cool car, some of the other girls would drive with her. Although Carrie does not wear AA on her sleeve, she does not hide her involvement either. One of her mantras is that she might be a person only exposer to the Big Book.

It turned out that one of the young women was very concerned about her mother. She spoke to Carrie about her mothers drinking, and after talking with Carrie, she encouraged her mother to go to AA for help. School ended and they went there separate ways.

In the mean time Megan was going to meetings. Frightened, confused, and not sure Megan "just kept coming". She saw Carrie at meetings. Finally getting the courage up to ask her to be her sponsor. During one of their phone calls she commented on how she too would like to go back to school one day. That her daughter was going to The Big School at the moment.

Something clicked for Carrie. She looked at her caller id, and really looked at the name. "Megan, is your daughters name Susan?".

And yes, God was doing His God thing, because Susan was the young woman who had talked with Carrie about her mom months ago.

A HUGE college with thousands of people, an AA community of thousands, both Carrie and Megan living in different towns ... of thousands...

Tell me that is not God doing His God thing .. I dare you.